My problems.
I’m currently posting this through my iPhone, so bear with me if there are some misspelled words that I’ve overlooked. I just need to put everything out of this heart of mine.
You guys wanna know when and where I mostly do my contemplations (except while blogging)? I do my very serious contemplations at the bathroom, minutes before I go to school. Now, why am I telling you this? To be honest, I have had too many things to think about. Not why I fail in my subjects and give incomplete requirements. It’s why I fail in life in general. Some people might argue that I’m not, but to be honest, I am. I just feel that I’ve done too many mistakes in a given time period. Too many wrong decisions. Too much second thoughts. Sometimes I really feel like a complete idiot.
There are times that I am envy about something or someone. I mean, I look at people at Gokongwei Hall, and it’s pretty obvious that there are people who are happy of their current status. I can’t be any more grateful for them. It’s just that there are these people who constantly give me hope (although indirectly) that I would be able to attain them. But look at me now. I’ve actually waited seven to eight years, trying to find this hope, but no matter how I look at it, the hope’s just not for me. It’s given to someone else instead. Quite the bummer, right? Like what Dumbledore said: It’s almost there, but as soon as it gets closer, it slips away!
Okay, to get this even further: You guys even expect that this hope won’t even come to my occurrence! Come on! You just have to admit your hypocrisy. I mean, if I choose to confess to someone, like Den, would you believe that it’s possible? You’d think it’s not, right? See, the environment speaks for itself! People just don’t want it to happen! Not in a million lifetimes.
Sometimes, it’s quite frustrating to know that it’s not possible, just because they don’t want it to be possible. Might as well apply that to a billion women in the next two generations. Might as well start with this generation.
I did think that 2008 is gonna be a great year for me. Not because of zodiac signs or horoscopes, but my pure instinct. I pass subjects, and I got this iPhone. But that’s it. Nothing else that’s as spectacular as having a computer in your pocket. I was hoping that this would be the year when I change as a person. Like, I was hoping that I would, at least, make my bad habits (tech obsession, for example) deteriorate, if I would have someone to devote my time to. But something tells me that it’s not going to happen — at all.
If only there was a cheat code of sorts that can make me capture the heart of my one true love. But in life, a cheat code isn’t even possible to begin with!
I told you guys in my Multiply days that a person sometimes uses me? Well, I really can’t deny that fact, but I show that as a sign for them to realize. Like, I once said that Den would always let me do the tech stuff, and I consider myself as an *academic advisor.* Well, that’s true , but that’s because I like her. Whatever I’m doing is a sign. A sign that is, unfortunately, taken for granted.
Sometimes, I even think that people think lowly of me, like an outcast, incapable and outright stupid. I can’t believe the world is getting unfair to me. Like, they can be love ld by ANYone, but I feel that I don’t even have the right to love ONE.
Soon enough, the people who I care about the most will most likely forget me. I am insignificant to them. Like, if you’re finding for a needle in a haystack, why find it anyway?
Yeah, that’s probably the bottom line. I AM insignificant.
Comments (4)
gwen foster • June 9th, 2008 at 1:28 am
I know this is cheesy and all but in order to be loved by others, you have to love yourself first and that includes not taking yourself for granted. We all have our ‘right’ time to find true love. I guess we just need to enjoy the moment and live it.
JJ • June 9th, 2008 at 8:54 am
Well, I guess you’re right. We do have the “right” time. But I also have the “right” time to be impatient about it, and the “right” time not to enjoy moments like this. I loved myself a lot, almost to the point of being narcissistic, but surely that can’t happen forever.
That’s why I have this blog entry. 
enrico • July 8th, 2008 at 1:07 am
Hey, saw your post about derivatrix on twitter and thought this person might be potential blogger. Well, I guess m ryt. Thanks to google. I don’t even think you might be able to read this but anyway, I was also in the same shoes but on a different building (velasco kse ako, hehe) several years ago. We are geared towards maiden-in-distress women and use our skills and knowledge hoping that they will eventually like us. Well, it didn’t work for me. But it might work for you. Bka nman u haven’t told ur feelings sa girl na gusto mo. She might just be waiting for you. Nanliligaw ka ba? Sorry, I’m a stranger trying to give an unsolicited advice. For all I know, ur just venting out ur feelings. Or better yet, bka kyo na pla dhil 1 month ago na ung entry na to. Just don’t be afraid to take risks but be ready with the consequences. Goodluck! :9
Derivatrix • July 15th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
[...] try not to turn this one into a dating blog, okay? Okay. (Oh yeah, someone named Enrico posted a comment in one of my posts concerning my previous situation. Well, I’ve done it, and I got the [...]